I never thought I would be a divorcee… but I am. It actually feels pretty damn good. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can be free to be me, and I know that where I am I am safe and free from the emotional abuse that I took for the past 5 years I was with that dude. I say emotional abuse because that has to be the only reason why I would stay in that type of relationship. My cousin says I had the battered wife syndrome, in which I would do everything in my power to make the relationship work even though he would emotionally abuse, belittle, disrespect, and manipulate me all throughout the relationship. He would have cycles of this emotional abuse, then he would be nice, and those nice tactics guilt-tripped me into staying and thinking things would get better. However, but soon the niceness would wear off and we would be back down that same path…  Many of his family members thought I was this quiet and shy person, but I was actually fearful of his reaction if I were to speak up and be myself. I knew that once we got home he would make me feel so worthless that I wouldn’t talk anywhere. I would smile and nod and be a “good little wife”… and you may think that’s crazy, especially coming from a bad ass Marine Corps chick right? How dare he think he could get away with it! But yet, he did… he is a master at manipulation and control, and he would always throw the problems on me like it was all my fault, and I used to fall for it every time. Every time. Once I made my mind up about leaving, it was like a click in my head and I woke up out of this deep depression and emotional coma I was in… I woke up and left. Strategically got out of the house, and he never seen it coming. I was like Tina Turner who made her kids wake up and put their clothes on, and snuck out of the house before Ike woke up… I packed soundlessly, swiftly, and smartly… the military surely paid off when it was time for me to go. I didn’t waste time… I took only what was necessary and needed, and prioritized what I had… and I was gone. All with his “permission”… I took off. Now I’m a DSB female, seeking peace and quiet, with a man who loves God, respects himself and others, who knows responsibility, and has a GSOH. IRL, I am witty, which people often refer to as goofy, with a GSOH, who loves F2F time, I am DTE, and D/D free.  Don’t you just hate those ads?! LOL! Like, what the hell are you talking about? Anyways, I found my man… through all of this that I endured, I definitely got the pot at the end of the rainbow. He has been my rock, my anchor, and my best friend. I don’t know where I would have ended up on my furious quest to get as far away as possible from the torment I was going through… but he was my sounding board… and I thank God for his presence in my life. I’m glad he stuck around and stayed my friend through all these years.

I never thought I would be a divorcee… but I am. It actually feels pretty damn good. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can be free to be me, and I know that where I am I am safe and free from the emotional abuse that I took for the past 5 years I was with that dude. I say emotional abuse because that has to be the only reason why I would stay in that type of relationship. My cousin says I had the battered wife syndrome, in which I would do everything in my power to make the relationship work even though he would emotionally abuse, belittle, disrespect, and manipulate me all throughout the relationship. He would have cycles of this emotional abuse, then he would be nice, and those nice tactics guilt-tripped me into staying and thinking things would get better. However, but soon the niceness would wear off and we would be back down that same path… 

Many of his family members thought I was this quiet and shy person, but I was actually fearful of his reaction if I were to speak up and be myself. I knew that once we got home he would make me feel so worthless that I wouldn’t talk anywhere. I would smile and nod and be a “good little wife”… and you may think that’s crazy, especially coming from a bad ass Marine Corps chick right? How dare he think he could get away with it! But yet, he did… he is a master at manipulation and control, and he would always throw the problems on me like it was all my fault, and I used to fall for it every time. Every time.

Once I made my mind up about leaving, it was like a click in my head and I woke up out of this deep depression and emotional coma I was in… I woke up and left. Strategically got out of the house, and he never seen it coming. I was like Tina Turner who made her kids wake up and put their clothes on, and snuck out of the house before Ike woke up… I packed soundlessly, swiftly, and smartly… the military surely paid off when it was time for me to go. I didn’t waste time… I took only what was necessary and needed, and prioritized what I had… and I was gone. All with his “permission”… I took off.

Now I’m a DSB female, seeking peace and quiet, with a man who loves God, respects himself and others, who knows responsibility, and has a GSOH. IRL, I am witty, which people often refer to as goofy, with a GSOH, who loves F2F time, I am DTE, and D/D free.  Don’t you just hate those ads?! LOL! Like, what the hell are you talking about?

Anyways, I found my man… through all of this that I endured, I definitely got the pot at the end of the rainbow. He has been my rock, my anchor, and my best friend. I don’t know where I would have ended up on my furious quest to get as far away as possible from the torment I was going through… but he was my sounding board… and I thank God for his presence in my life. I’m glad he stuck around and stayed my friend through all these years.

(Source: spiritualinspiration)

661 notes

Ready to go

So these past couple of days I’ve been at home visiting with my mom. It’s good to be able to come home at times, but I can only digest so much.

My mother often reverts to talking to me like I’m a teenager… Telling me what to do or just have a tone of voice that I’m just a kid. It bothers me to no end… Which is often why I don’t stay too long at my moms house. I am grown with my own kid and yet she still sees me as 16 years old.

When I do come home I’m only there for a day, an overnight, and I’m gone. That’s about all I can digest. This Memorial Day weekend I stayed 2 overnights and I’m so ready to go. I’m irritated, frustrated, and bothered… Home is cool in small doses now that u have my own. I would rather spend time with my own immediate family then to deal with my mom and brother in large doses…

I’m off to my house in a few! Peace!

1 note

rachelstewartjewelry: Rachel Stewart Jewelry I want these and many more other pieces of jewelry in my life… made by her.

rachelstewartjewelry:

Rachel Stewart Jewelry

I want these and many more other pieces of jewelry in my life… made by her.

1 note

11 days to go… and the commissioner won’t be there to see you this time. She apparently came early to check on me so that I wouldn’t be interrupted. SCORE!!

11 days to go… and the commissioner won’t be there to see you this time. She apparently came early to check on me so that I wouldn’t be interrupted.

SCORE!!

(Source: lovequotesrus)

9,572 notes

This is me right now… LOL! I love my afro… wish it was this big tho!

This is me right now… LOL! I love my afro… wish it was this big tho!

(Source: spacecadet)

185 notes

I definitely believe in this… it is difficult to stay focused… especially so without a vision, mission, or goal. You can be so easily distracted… so taken off task, and so easily swept away by the convenience of things in your face. I lost someone that I did love dearly because of the lack of vision, mission, and goals he had… before I realized that I had a soulmate on the other side of the country, I was trying to put myself into a position to go backwards and date someone that I used to know. We were 19 when we met, and it was a whirlwind love… I was totally engulfed and blown away at that time, but I was so naive, so green, so virginal… He was the first one that I intimately gave myself away to voluntarily. We dated for 6 months. He left me because I went to the Marine Corps. Told me that no woman of his was going into the military. So I left and went to bootcamp… when I got back, 3 months later,  he wanted to date again… I passed… just as my dad passed away, I told him to kick rocks. 10 years later he resurfaced again… I was 29, unhappily married, and living in another state… We remained in touch… he had become much more mature, but he was still living the same life he had when we were 19. That bothered me… I tried not let it get to me because, hell, I was married, he wasn’t my man… but I was still bothered that he hadn’t made any progress in his life, but yet when we were 19, he didn’t want me to make progress in mine. At 30 he wanted me to leave my husband… I told him I couldn’t leave… I had this to do, that to do, just had a baby, step-mother to 2 kids, I was a wife… yet, I was unhappy, and he told me that he could make me happy… yet, he didn’t have any plans on how he was going to do that… At 31 I told him I was in fact leaving my husband… not because of him, but because of the man I married made it possible for me to escape. He wanted to help me…. but from a distance. He would only be able to do so much he said… He came to see me once, (when the commissioner was in town)… and didn’t come back after that. He would call every so often when he was at work only… text when he was at work only… and the weekends he said he would be off to come see me never happened… he said he had mandatory overtime, or that he went in to work, or nothing…. I wouldn’t even get a call. I told him that I didn’t need another piss poor man in my life… and I refuse to get into another bad situation… he said he would back off… but back off from what?? From not being there, to not being there?? That was December 2011… I haven’t heard from him since… and every time I’m in Cleveland I think about him… wondering if he’s still trying to get his shit together like he always says… I never call. I’m glad I never tried to pursue… and yet, I held out, not wanting just anybody in my space… and I held out so much so that I was able to leave the deadbeats alone… and I ended up realize how I was missing out on my soulmate…  So now, we have a focus, which is supported by our vision, mission, and goal… to be together no matter the cost, situation, or distance. I love that man… and I’m glad I’m not with anyone else. No one else can compare…

I definitely believe in this… it is difficult to stay focused… especially so without a vision, mission, or goal. You can be so easily distracted… so taken off task, and so easily swept away by the convenience of things in your face. I lost someone that I did love dearly because of the lack of vision, mission, and goals he had… before I realized that I had a soulmate on the other side of the country, I was trying to put myself into a position to go backwards and date someone that I used to know.

We were 19 when we met, and it was a whirlwind love… I was totally engulfed and blown away at that time, but I was so naive, so green, so virginal… He was the first one that I intimately gave myself away to voluntarily. We dated for 6 months. He left me because I went to the Marine Corps. Told me that no woman of his was going into the military. So I left and went to bootcamp… when I got back, 3 months later,  he wanted to date again… I passed… just as my dad passed away, I told him to kick rocks. 10 years later he resurfaced again… I was 29, unhappily married, and living in another state…

We remained in touch… he had become much more mature, but he was still living the same life he had when we were 19. That bothered me… I tried not let it get to me because, hell, I was married, he wasn’t my man… but I was still bothered that he hadn’t made any progress in his life, but yet when we were 19, he didn’t want me to make progress in mine.

At 30 he wanted me to leave my husband… I told him I couldn’t leave… I had this to do, that to do, just had a baby, step-mother to 2 kids, I was a wife… yet, I was unhappy, and he told me that he could make me happy… yet, he didn’t have any plans on how he was going to do that…

At 31 I told him I was in fact leaving my husband… not because of him, but because of the man I married made it possible for me to escape. He wanted to help me…. but from a distance. He would only be able to do so much he said… He came to see me once, (when the commissioner was in town)… and didn’t come back after that. He would call every so often when he was at work only… text when he was at work only… and the weekends he said he would be off to come see me never happened… he said he had mandatory overtime, or that he went in to work, or nothing…. I wouldn’t even get a call.

I told him that I didn’t need another piss poor man in my life… and I refuse to get into another bad situation… he said he would back off… but back off from what?? From not being there, to not being there??

That was December 2011… I haven’t heard from him since… and every time I’m in Cleveland I think about him… wondering if he’s still trying to get his shit together like he always says… I never call. I’m glad I never tried to pursue… and yet, I held out, not wanting just anybody in my space… and I held out so much so that I was able to leave the deadbeats alone… and I ended up realize how I was missing out on my soulmate… 

So now, we have a focus, which is supported by our vision, mission, and goal… to be together no matter the cost, situation, or distance. I love that man… and I’m glad I’m not with anyone else. No one else can compare…

(Source: whereisthecoool)

372 notes

7,826 notes

Writing has become something I do on a daily basis… whether its writing in notebook bound journals or electronically in a blog, I write on a daily basis. It has become something I have incorporated into my life for a long time. It has become a need to function properly during the day… it’s like a release and I receive peace and calm from writing… so I write. Even more so now because I have a captive audience… him, the love of my life, that wants to read whatever I write. He keeps me motivated to ensure I write on a daily basis. He keeps me focused on a lot of things… he is my motivation, and inspiration these days. I love being able to count on him… he has been my rock and anchor for awhile. Whenever I needed clarity, a sounding board, a friend, a rock, a confidante, he’s been there… I can count on him just like I can count on my journals to be there for me to write in… always and forever. 12 more days… California will be there for me… I can’t wait to enjoy… we’re going to be taking photos as well. Capturing our moments together for the first time. I don’t even know how we look together… but I’m excited to be on the other side of the lens for a change. Last night we had a movie night… and you may think it strange, but we watched the movie together, me at home, him in Cali… at the same time… Usually to watch a movie you need to be in the same vicinity, same room, eating out of the same bag of popcorn… leaning my head on his, turning to give him a kiss every so often, and holding hands… but this time I was here, he was there and it was… different… but good! Another thing we plan on doing is having a reading list… and that’s so awesome to me!! I’ve always wanted to read with my significant other, and now I get the opportunity to do so… We are going to read the Hunger Games trilogy, and I’m super excited. I’ve already made some progress in my book.. E-books have been something I tried to stay away from because I wanted to do my part in keeping the library open… and I’ve always loved books, and I like the feel, turning pages, and the smell old books give off… that’s like the best… but now I’m turning electronic pages, viewing my progress in percentages instead of pages, and I can bookmark at a touch of my finger. It’s different but a good change. After the trilogy there is a host of books both him and I have chosen to read, and having someone to read with is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. Here’s to more reading and watching movies at a distance! LOL! Do what you can to make it work… because one day all of this will be a distant past.

Writing has become something I do on a daily basis… whether its writing in notebook bound journals or electronically in a blog, I write on a daily basis. It has become something I have incorporated into my life for a long time. It has become a need to function properly during the day… it’s like a release and I receive peace and calm from writing… so I write.

Even more so now because I have a captive audience… him, the love of my life, that wants to read whatever I write. He keeps me motivated to ensure I write on a daily basis. He keeps me focused on a lot of things… he is my motivation, and inspiration these days. I love being able to count on him… he has been my rock and anchor for awhile. Whenever I needed clarity, a sounding board, a friend, a rock, a confidante, he’s been there… I can count on him just like I can count on my journals to be there for me to write in… always and forever.

12 more days… California will be there for me… I can’t wait to enjoy… we’re going to be taking photos as well. Capturing our moments together for the first time. I don’t even know how we look together… but I’m excited to be on the other side of the lens for a change.

Last night we had a movie night… and you may think it strange, but we watched the movie together, me at home, him in Cali… at the same time… Usually to watch a movie you need to be in the same vicinity, same room, eating out of the same bag of popcorn… leaning my head on his, turning to give him a kiss every so often, and holding hands… but this time I was here, he was there and it was… different… but good!

Another thing we plan on doing is having a reading list… and that’s so awesome to me!! I’ve always wanted to read with my significant other, and now I get the opportunity to do so… We are going to read the Hunger Games trilogy, and I’m super excited. I’ve already made some progress in my book.. E-books have been something I tried to stay away from because I wanted to do my part in keeping the library open… and I’ve always loved books, and I like the feel, turning pages, and the smell old books give off… that’s like the best… but now I’m turning electronic pages, viewing my progress in percentages instead of pages, and I can bookmark at a touch of my finger. It’s different but a good change. After the trilogy there is a host of books both him and I have chosen to read, and having someone to read with is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.

Here’s to more reading and watching movies at a distance! LOL! Do what you can to make it work… because one day all of this will be a distant past.

(Source: rachelpalmer)

717 notes

Baby girl at the park #loveher #totpark #playing (Taken with instagram)

Baby girl at the park #loveher #totpark #playing (Taken with instagram)

My thoughts exactly… Where are you??? LOL!

My thoughts exactly… Where are you??? LOL!

5,096 notes